Happy Mother's Day!

Well today was my first Mother's Day as a Mom, and it was bittersweet, to say the least. This morning, on Mother's Day, my Grandma Klettke passed away after a very short and difficult battle with cancer. She was diagnosed about three weeks ago and told at that time she had 6 weeks to 6 months to live. They were, and still are unsure of the primary source of cancer, and we may never know. Their timeframe was generous, and only a few short weeks later she passed, in the comfort of her own home, as she had requested and wished for. As untimely and painful as it was to hear of her sickness and then death, I am thankful beyond measure for the last few weeks that everyone had to spend with Grandma, and the short time that I got to have with her two weeks ago when I travelled to Canada to pay a visit after I had heard the "news". I know it is a million times easier for me to be grateful for the last few weeks than for other members of my family who were there 24/7, caring for Grandma and doing the jobs that no one else wanted to do. I could not believe the dedication, patience and absolutely unconditional love my Mother showed her Mother during her last days. It made me realize that it is not only the Mother who loves unconditionally, a daughter does as well. That there comes a time when the tables turn, maybe when you least expect it, and you will realize that your daughter has become everything you ever dreamed her to be and more. That she can be your hero too. I believe that the first time she takes the spoon and feeds you, or the cold cloth to wipe you down, or the gentle songs hummed to ease your worries, that you will be filled with as much love and delight as the days many, many, years before when you lived to do those very same deeds for her. I often think about how much I just enjoy Tula right now, how I really do cherish all these little tiny details of our day, and I wonder when the inevitable will happen and I will begin to take some of these things for granted. For anyone in a Mother/Daughter relationship, you know there are a few years there in the middle that we certainly don't delight in everything the other does. But I imagine, at the end of a Mother's life, that there is no greater joy than being nurtured by those precious people in your life that you created. That there is no greater sense of pride than being able to lay there and bask in the love of the legacy and generations you have started and are about to leave behind. And I would bet that as sad and different as the circumstances may be, being spoonfed by your own baby all those years later brings you as much joy as it did to do the same for her. Mom, you did an exceptional job the last few weeks and I am so proud of you and amazed by your strength. I know there were many, many others who were there helped a lot, but today is Mother's Day and I want to single you out because you are my Mom and you deserve it. I am so, so proud to be your child. Grandpa, Larry, James, and everyone else, you guys all did fantastic and I am proud that you are my family, my blood. I wish I could have been there more to share in these times with you, but I love that because we are family I didn't have to physically be there for you all to know that my heart was.

I am lucky to have made the trip when I did two weeks ago to share some special time with Grandma in the hospital when she was first diagnosed, before she went home and when she was still well enough to talk. I love that she knew, somehow, exactly the things I needed to hear from her to calm my heavy heart. And I will never forget the words of love that she poured over me, my husband, and my family, and how very proud and lucky I felt to have the life I did. And even more proud that my Grandmother got to see some of it. There was so much more I wanted her to be a part of and I guess just expected that she would be, but I am grateful for the time we did have and glad that she got to see as much as she did. She really did a beautiful job of saying everything she wanted and needed to say to me and John, and it was those moments that make me think the last three weeks were beautiful, in their own way. I believe Grandma got to have her time with everyone that was really important in her life and say the things that she needed to say, and I saw firsthand the blessings of knowing that your death is near. I never understood how anything good can come of that, but there is something so special about the countenance of a dying person that I truly believe now, more than ever, that these last few weeks were, above all else, a gift from God. What a way to end your life, with the joy of being able to share your love with those dearest to you, and to give them each a little nugget of knowledge or encouragement or praise that they can hold in their heart and treasure forever. Thank You, Grandma, for that. For making the best of it and making it count. You said you would remember forever and your forever wasn't long enough. I will remember for you, forever. I love you and miss you so much already.

Mom, Happy Mother's Day. There isn't a card this year to tell you how I feel. There are no words. I love you so much. I am so proud of you. You truly have a servant's heart and the ability to work hard under extreme pressure and chaos. And you can just keep on keepin' on when everyone else would have had to much. Sometimes when I see you in situations like this, I wonder if there is a load too big for you to bear. You seem to be capable of so much more than I think I could ever do or be, and you do it wearing your heart on your sleeve, which makes you all the more brave. You set the bar for being a daughter so high and I hope some day to make you half as proud and content as I know you have made your own Mom. Watching you, even though from afar, has been an inspiration.

Tula, thank you for filling every little hole in this day that may have had an ounce of darkness with the brightest light possible. Your love, your precious laugh and your joy help me find the strength in my weakest hours, and although it was sad for me in some ways, we had a special day together and I Thank You for that. You laughed all day, I swear your little brain knew what Mommy needed, and the first tear that fell from my eye was long after you drifted to sleep and there wasn't a constant joy crawling around my feet and pulling at my pant leg. No, I am not even claiming that every day is near as good as today was with you, but today was great and I needed that after an awful morning and some sad news. I love you Tula. More than words.

To all the other Mommies out there, Happy Mother's Day to you! I hope your day was full of giggles and love and flowers and cards and phone calls and whatever else made you feel like you were someones hero, because you are.