Ready For You

Baby Girl, Little Sister, Third Child, Unnamed One, we are ready for you.

Well you are not totally unnamed.  We have some ideas.  A few actually.  But I don't really like to share names before birth, nor do I even really like to get accustomed to calling you by any other name than Baby until you arrive.  So although we have a list of names, and it has been narrowed way down over the last few weeks, I am not naming you until you arrive, and I can hold you and look into your eyes and say "Oh yeah, she is definitely a _____."

It has occurred to me recently, as in the last couple days, that maybe the reason you have not made an appearance yet is because I haven't so much as mentioned you on this blog yet and maybe you were just feeling a little left out.  After all, both your brother and sister both had numerous posts about their time in Mama's belly.  Tula, of course being the first and me having nothing better to do, had weekly updates.  Mav had quite a few less, as I was busy being tired and pregnant and a Mama to Tula.  But you, my dear, have not even really been mentioned on this blog yet and I just thought that if I gave you a shout out, told you how loved and wanted you are already, that maybe you would put me out of my pregnancy misery (Mama is tired, Baby) and come out, come out, come out.

We are ready to celebrate your arrival.  I am ready to celebrate you.  Daddy is ready to celebrate not having a pregnant wife anymore.

Your Story, so far, is simple.  You were wanted, you were planned.  You were hoped for and anticipated.  Your due date of September 25 tells us that you were conceived on December 25, and although I have no idea how accurate that is, it sure sounds like a nice romantic thought, so lets leave it like that.  In early January, I was in Mav's room organizing some bins when I hurt my back.  Threw it out, bad.  Big time.  Could not even walk.  Daddy had to carry me to bed and I laid for a day and when the pain eased a little the next day I made my way to Urgent Care to find out what had happened.  I figured I was pregnant, a sore back has been my first pregnancy indication with all three babes, but this was something fierce and it was so much worse that I really wanted to get it checked.  I told the Doc I thought I was pregnant, and did a urine test that came back negative.  I thought that was strange.  I remember feeling sad.  But honestly, I knew that I could still be in the early stages and not all hope was lost, I knew there was a chance their was still a little life swirling and twirling and dancing inside of my own.

On January 28, after a couple weeks of feeling exhausted and slightly nauseous and honestly just very pregnant, I went a bought a pregnancy test.  I remember John had worked late and did't get home till after dinner and the day just felt WAY longer than it should have and I told him I was going to run out and get a test.  I went to the Dollar Store by our house, cause I am an old pro at this by now and I didn't need some 13 dollar fancy schmancy test to tell me what I already knew.  I bought test for a buck and rushed home and took it and Daddy and I hugged and kissed and smiled and were thankful when we saw those two pink lines and knew you were on your way.

This pregnancy has been pretty uneventful, I guess all of mine have been and I realize I have been blessed in that department.  I started seeing a new Doctor with this pregnancy, as things sort of ended poorly with Mav's birth Doc after her basically missed the birth completely and still wanted to bill me his full fee after the fact.  And I just wanted a different experience this time, so I found Dr. Kells, who came referred through a friend, and liked his practice and the idea that he had hired midwives who worked in his practice, under him, but were actually able to do all the prenatal stuff and even be the ones to show up and assist with the birth.  I loved this, and I thought it was a perfect compromise for Daddy and I, or any couple in the situation we were in, where "she" wants a home birth experience and "he" is not comfortable with the idea of it.  This would give me the whole midwife relationship and hopefully avoid more of the medical interventions I had grown to detest from delivery number 1 and 2, but still give John the peace of mind that a hospital environment provides some people with.

So we went ahead with that plan, I actually signed up for their Centering Pregnancy Program, which was a really cool way to do you monthly visit with the midwife in a support group like setting with about 10 to 15 other preggo's due around the same time as you.  The first few minutes of the group, everyone takes their own chart and is responsible for weighing themselves, checking blood pressure, and putting all this info on the chart, then meeting for two minutes of alone time with the midwife to ask any personal questions before heading out to the main room to meet as a group.  There, we would have some organized conversation,  discuss a few different topics, maybe have a guest speaker, and time to ask questions and share what was going on.  A lot of women had their husbands there, for most of them it was their first pregnancy and they didn't have kids at home.  The Centering Program worked well for us too because it allowed the kids to stay home with Daddy while I did my appointment, and took the stress off of me trying to haul Tula and Mav to appts during the day time or find someone who could watch them while I went.  It truly was a great program, a wonderful idea, and I think I went for 3 months, 3 different meetings.  And I kept feeling like "this is absolutely wonderful, this is a great program, this is a perfect solution.  But this is not for me."

I wanted a home birth, and I knew from Day 1 of knowing I was pregnant with You.  I think I finally felt confident enough in myself.  After two fairly easy, uneventful and unmedicated deliveries, I knew I was more than capable.  But I knew that a home birth was NOT what your Daddy wanted.  I knew it was asking him to step way out of his comfort zone.  And I knew that he was my rock during my labors, the only person I wanted to see or hear or touch, and I needed to have him "with me " completely, totally confidently, as he had been the first two times, in order for this delivery to go as well as the others had.  So I left it alone for those 3 months I attended the Centering Pregnancy, it was actually after my first trip to Canada this summer with the kids, and on the drive back from a day trip to Prescott with friends, that I brought it up in a round about way, as innocently and humbly as possible, and told your Daddy what I truly wanted for your birth.  And he just listened, and didn't respond, which for him is actually a good sign.  So we sat in silence for a few moments then I asked, more directly, if he would mind if I met with a few home birthing midwives while he and the kids were away to CT for their summer vacation, and he said that would be fine, and I remember just welling up with love for him, and gratitude that he would put my desires before his own, and be willing to overcome so many fears to be brave for me, and to just continue to be my rock even though it meant sort of reinventing himself in this department to do so.  I was amazed, and still am, and no matter where you end up being born, Baby Girl, I will forever be grateful to your Daddy for encouraging me to follow my dreams and live them out, and be willing to walk the road with me.

So that lead to call around a bit, and after doing a little research on local midwives, John reminded me that friends of ours had a friend whose mom lived in the area, pretty close to our house actually, and was a midwife.  I remember that I actually sat with her at their wedding, and we talked about all that kid of stuff, I felt drawn to her and hoped one day that I would meet her again, maybe where I would be needing her "services".  I was so excited to call Sue, I drove over to her house and had my first appointment with her, which was the equivalent to stopping by and old friend's for coffee.  She was as comfortable and easy and calming as I remembered and hoped for.  She made me feel very confident and empowered, but explained to me how conservatively she operates, how little risk she was willing to take, how quick to go to the hospital she was if she thought there was a need.   She was not the wild and free hippie midwife who would avoid the hospital at all costs.  She was there to help me and my body do what she believed I could do on my own, in exchange I had to trust her with the decision of what I could handle at home and what I couldn't.  I am MORE THAN HAPPY with that for a compromise, and I feel like she has been a perfect fit for us.  John feels comfortable with the situation as well, and I have literally been living out a dream planning your home birth the last few weeks.

Most of the details are still up in the air.  I have a birthing tub here, and when I feel like I am in labor we will blow that up and fill it with water.  I imagine you will be born in there.  But I like the idea that it is undecided, and I am so curious to see how it all will go.  What I will choose to do when I have the choice.  I just wanted the freedom and comfort that came from home birthing.  I wanted to move how I want and not be attached to monitors and machines.  I wanted to eat and drink what I want before, during, and after your birth.  I wanted to not have to deal with IV's and annoyed nurses who are mad because you even suggested that you don't want one.  I wanted your Daddy to catch you and place you in my arms, and people around us who would encourage that and help us live it out.  I am unsure about so many of the fine details, who I want in the room, do I want a video camera rolling, what will I do with the placenta, will I wake up Tula and Mav to watch or let them sleep.  These are all decisions that I am okay with making at that very moment, when I am in labour and know you are on your way.  These are things I am, in may ways, indifferent about.  The important things, what really mattered to me, have been decided.  And as long as everything goes according to planned, you will be born right here, in our very own comfy cozy home.  I cannot wait.

Although I gotta say, if you don't come soon, I seriously do not know if I will be able to resist the temptation of being induced after my due date.  I do not even want to be faced with that option so if you could just come in the next day or two I wouldn't even need to think about it, which would be wonderful. You see, I was induced with both Tula and Mav, and although they were wonderful births, I really truly want to experience the joy an surprise and excitement of going into labor on my own.  I want that story to tell.  And, agreeing to an induction is agreeing to a hospital birth, which is NOT my dream.  But I am hot and tired and uncomfortable, just done being pregnant, and the temptation would possibly be more than I could bear.  So please, Baby Girl, just come so I don't even have to choose.

Lastly, I cannot tell you how beyond excited I was when we found out you were a girl.  When the ultrasound tech told me, I cried tears of joy right there.  I told her that was exactly what I wanted, that I had had two sisters growing up and they were are are my best friends in the whole world and I wanted that for Tula and for you.  I cannot wait to add another girl to the mix, and let me tell you, you have an amazing big brother and sister who cannot wait to meet you and are going to love you like crazy.  Tula already tells me how much she wants to do certain things for you, change your diapers and let people hold you and help me dress you.  And play dolls with you:)  She has also threatened, when I have said no to her about things, that she will not help me when the baby sister comes if I am not nice to her.

I cannot wait to hold you, to see you, to give thanks for your safe and healthy arrival.  I cannot wait to see how your birth story will unfold.  Baby Girl, we are all waiting for you.  And totally ready.  You can come any moment and you would just slip in and fit perfectly into our world.  You don't have a bed, cause you will be sleeping with me.  But we have some cozy blankets for you and a couple little outfits and we feel as ready as we can be.  I promise I can make it just as comfy for you out here as I have in there, so come out come out wherever you are.  We just cannot wait to love on you.

See you soon, little one.

~Mom