Clarity, peace, serenity....

My prayer for 2009. Time, really. I knew I couldn't ask God for more minutes in the day, but I really, really felt a desire to be more fulfilled with the minutes I had been given. I knew that I was sometimes wasteful with all of the extra time that has been "allotted" to me while I am enjoying this role of "stay-at-home-mom". Of course I spend every minute with the kids. I am there and not lacking in the quantity of time that I get with them. Or John. Or just being home in general. But I did feel that there was some quality missing. On my part. Now I know some of this is just normal mommy guilt stuff. Always feeling a desire to want to do more with your kids, teach them more, hold them more, talk to them more, etc. And I know that there are lots of women who feel the same way. I have had numerous conversations with friends about "how time flies" and "where did my baby go?" and how to "cherish the moment" and although it is all so cliche, when you are a new mom those thoughts can be paralyzing. My Dad calls is "paralysis by analysis" and I love that. It is so true. I would sit around sometimes just worrying about how fast time was going by. And what do you know, another hour would be gone and all I had accomplished was thinking about where the time went? Dumb. Or, this is good. I would sit down when the kids were both down for a nap and write lists of things I "need to do". Like, dust, vaccuum, cook dinner, go to the post office. And I would just sit there and try and put pen to paper and figure out how I was going to do all these things in a day or two. I draw some chart or something silly and guess what? One of the kids is up and nothing got accomplished. And I just feel worse because I sat around thinking of expectations I have for myself without just going and DOING something. So this is something that I really saw in myself after Maverick around for awhile that I wanted to change. I just sort of needed to regroup and get it together in general. I knew I couldn't do it alone, and I prayed a lot about it. 2009 was approaching fast and although I am not big on New Year's Resolutions, this was my prayer for 2009: That my days and minutes would not be wasted. By my own actions, or by my own thoughts and worries. That I would be able to live in the present and enjoy the moments that have been gifted to me. That I would make not just a concious effort to be a better Mom and Wife, but that I would be successful by following through with some of these fabulous plans that I have spinning around in my head or laying flat on a piece of paper. I prayed that it would be revealed to me when I am being wasteful of my time. What and who is important, and what and who are not. What I can do without and what I need. And that I would make time for "me" in a whole new way that would leave me feeling fulfilled and content instead of more guilty and wasteful.

And God is faithful! Ask and you shall receive, right? First of all, I have felt a gentle but clear nudge from time to time when I am flat out wasting time. And it's not that I can't do stuff like that anymore, that's so not the case. It's kind of like a little clock inside me though that goes of from time to time, every now and then. Sometimes I can still get lost on facebook for a half an hour. Other times I sit down at my computer and hear something telling me there is more. Not now. And it's not even annoying cause it's just true. It's like a favor to be reminded. Because the blessings that have come with a little bit of obedience have been life changing. Whenever I "run away" from wastefulness I am I have felt a calmness about how the household is ran. I am motivated from time to time (for some strange reason) to do something around the house. One day I may clean my kitchen, a few days later I dust. These are little things that come to mind IN THE PRESENT and I do them instead of writing them down to do later. And my never ending list of "chores" around the house has sort of vanished...sort of. You know what I mean. The "me time". I kept thinking that :me" time was sitting down on the computer for a few hours and googling everything under the sun or going to Target to shop for stuff I don't really need for the kids. But I would always just feel empty after doing stuff like that. I don't hate it, I just didn't really feel rejuvenated. It has been revealed to me some of the things that are important, and what makes "me" feel better about "me" and pretty much anything electronic (tv, computer, etc.) is NOT the answer. Picking up a good book. Cooking a nice dinner so dinnertime isn't chaos. Sitting outside on my patio catching some sun. Calling my Grandma or an old friend just to chat. Stretching. Meditating. Counting my blessings, literally. Conversations with God. Silence. Answers, clarity, light.

So 2009 has been a wonderful, amazing year for me so far! I have felt so at ease and just happier. My load is lightened. I enjoy my minutes so much more. I have been a better Mama and a better wife by working on being a better me. God has really given me a stillness to my worries about time flying by so fast by allowing me to soak up the moments I do have. And though, I, along with every other Mommy out there, will always feel like there aren't enough minutes in the day and our babies don't stay babies long enough, I am also at peace with the fact that it is what it is and to love the now, to live in the present. In 2009, I have been given the gift of time. I could not ask for anything more.

So I have made a huge, exciting decision that I want to share with you all! Mostly, I need to journal this stuff for my kids, because I am making life changes and choices that I want them not just to know that I did, but understand why I did them. I have decided, after a lot of thought and prayer, that I will be going on a mission trip this June with a group from my church to Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. We will be working with children, putting on a vacation bible study to draw in students and kids who will hopefully give their lives to Christ and chose to attend the churches that have been recently planted there by the missionaries we are going there to work alongside. I will be gone for 8 days, my mom has already agreed to come and watch the kids, and although I am worried and nervous to be away from them for that long, I feel compelled to do this and I am trying to just continue on a walk of obedience and faith. This trip was something I have known about for a long time, a few friends of mine from our small group in the church were going and even leading the trip. But whenever I was asked if I was interested, I always just said that it was absolutely out of the question. Not even an option. And I didn't really think twice about it.

Then we started a study in our church, in our small group, and individually called "40 Days of Purpose" based on the book "The Purpose Driven Life" by Rick Warren. I had read the book before a few years ago and I remember liking it enough that I wanted to do it again, but I had no idea how much more of an impact it would have on me now. I will not go into the whole book, except to say if you haven't read it, no matter what your faith background its, it highly, highly recommend it. It is all about life change. And that was what it did for me. It showed me many things I need to work on, it showed me many strengths I had. It clarified so much for me. And it reminded me of the joy I have found in my life when I give. And when I serve. When I am available for the call. And when I go. I want to walk the walk, not just talk the talk. In all aspects of my life. All of a sudden, Brazil laid heavy on my heart, and things that seemed impossible weren't seeming that way after all. I prayed about it. That doors would either be opened or closed to guide me in the right direction. And I guess the rest is history. Everything seemed to work out, my mom and dad will come to help John out with the kids and I actually have peace about my number one concern for not going on the trip, my kids.

It will be so, so hard to leave them for that time but so, so rewarding. Not just for that week and the work that will be done in the lives of all the kids we meet. But the work that will be done in and through me, that I can carry with me and bring home to share with my greatest loves of all. I want Tula and Maverick to know that I walk in faith. I want them to know that we are here to serve, amongst other things. I want to lead by example, hoping that one day my children will go out into the world and make a difference and know the unending joy that comes when you consider others, when you give and serve. I want them to know that they are not just citizens of this country, but of the world. And that they are not just members of this family under this roof, but part of a much bigger family in Christ. I want them to be responsible with what they have been blessed with. I want them to have a desire to grow deeper roots. In themselves and in their faith. And I want them to always seek, to reach higher, to dare to dream. And while I want all these great big things for them, most of all, I want them to always, always hear that still, quiet voice from within. To recognize it, and to follow where it leads.

Brazil will be a huge journey for me in so many ways, and luckily I have a few months to prepare for it. To write more, to think more, and to pray more. But I know this much is true; I will be going there and I anticipate all of the growth it will bring to me, my family and friends, and all the lives we are able to touch in Brazil. I look forward to being a part of such an amazing project and I cannot wait to see what this trip has in store for all of us.

In 2009, I am learning to follow. In 2009 I am learning to listen. In 2009, I am living in the now, but for the future. In 2009 I have found stillness and quiet. He said to ask and that you shall receive. And I most certainly have.